8 Things to do Instead of Spanking your Child

Research affirms that spanking teaches children to use acts of aggression and violence to solve their problems. It  teaches and perpetuates more violence, something which our society is very concerned about. Research further shows that children who have been spanked are more prone to low self-esteem, depression, substance abuse and incarceration.  Contrary to the belief of many people, spanking your child will not keep them out of jail.  I’ve complied 8 suggestions which hopefully will be helpful to parents.

1 – Get Calm

First, if you feel angry and out of control and you want to spank or slap your child, try to leave the situation.  . Calm down and get quiet. In that quiet time you will often find an alternative or solution to the problem. Sometimes parents lose it because they are under a lot of stress. Dinner is boiling over, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing and your child drops the can of peas and you lose it. If you can’t leave the situation, then try to step back and count to ten.

2 – Take Time for Yourself

Parents are more prone to use spanking when they haven’t had any time to themselves and they feel depleted and hurried.  It is important for parents to take some time for themselves.  Some examples of things to do would be taking a walk, reading or exercising..

3 – Be Kind but Firm

Another frustrating situation where parents tend to spank is when your child hasn’t listened to your repeated requests to behave. Finally, you spank to get your child to act appropriately. Another solution in these situations is to get down on your child’s level, make eye contact, touch him gently  and tell him, in a short, kind but firm phrase, what it is you want him to do. For example, “I want you to play quietly.”

4 – Give Choices

Giving your child a choice is an effective alternative to spanking. If she is playing with her food at the table ask, Would you like to stop playing with your food or would you like to leave the table?” If the child continues to play with her food, you use kind but firm action by helping her down from the table. Then tell her that she can return to the table when she is ready to eat her food without playing in it.

5 – Use Logical Consequences

Consequences  that are logically related to the behavior help teach children responsibility. For example, your child breaks a neighbor’s window and you punish him by spanking him. What does he learn about the situation? He may learn to never do that again, but he also learns that he needs to hide his mistakes, blame it on someone else, lie, or simply not get caught. He may decide that he is bad or feel anger and revenge toward the parent who spanked him. When you spank a child, he may behave because he is afraid to get hit again. However, do you want your child to behave because he is afraid of you or because he respects you?

Compare that situation to a child who breaks a neighbor’s window and his parent says, “I see you’ve broken the window, what will you do to repair it?” using a kind but firm tone of voice. The child decides to mow the neighbor’s lawn and wash his car several times to repay the cost of breaking the window. What does the child learn in this situation? That mistakes are an inevitable part of life and it isn’t so important that he made the mistake but that he takes responsibility to repair the mistake. The focus is taken off the mistake and put on taking responsibility for repairing it. The child feels no anger or revenge toward his parent. And most importantly the child’s self-esteem is not damaged.

6 – Withdraw from Conflict

Children who talk  back to  parents may provoke a parent to slap. In this situation, it is best if you withdraw from the situation immediately. Do not leave the room in anger. Calmly say, “I’ll be in the next room when you want to talk more respectfully.”

7 – Use kind but firm action

Instead of smacking an infant’s hand or bottom when she touches something she isn’t supposed to, kindly but firmly pick her up and take her to the next room. Offer her a toy or another item to distract her and say, “You can try again later.” You may have to take her out several times if she is persistent.

8 – Inform Children Ahead of Time

A child’s temper tantrum can easily set a parent off. Children frequently throw tantrums when they feel uninformed or powerless in a situation. Instead of telling your child he has to leave his friend’s house at a moment’s notice, tell him that you will be leaving in five minutes. This allows the child to complete what he was in the process of doing.

Aggression is an obvious form of perpetuating violence in society. A more subtle form of this is spanking because it takes it’s toll on a child’s self-esteem, this often causes the child to be rebellious and uncooperative. Consider for a moment the vision of a family that knows how to win cooperation and creatively solve their problems without using force or violence. The alternatives are limitless and the results are calmer parents and happier more well adjusted children.

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10 things not to say to your child

the way we speak to children is very important. I’ve compiled a list of things parents often say and alternatives which may have a better out come.

1. No as in running, hitting, yelling, fill in the verb)! Kids hear the word “no” far too frequently. I don’t mean you shouldn’t say no to your child just less frequently. You can always rephrase the sentence from a negative to a positive, which will correct the behavior without sounding critical. Train yourself to say what you want them to do instead of what you don’t. So, you can say “Walk, please” instead of “No running”.

2. Good job! There is a difference between Praise and Encouragement, and this phrase is the most commonly spoken praise children hear. Train yourself to respond with “You did it!” or “You got it!” or “You figured it out!”. Notice the common element is starting with the word “you” and then acknowledging what they worked at, rather than what you think about it.

3. Don’t argue with me. Children are programmed to question, analyze and wonder about situations. This can sometimes present itself in an argumentative way, but this is actually a normal part of development. Instead of cutting off the conversation, you can say, “I know you want my answer to be different, but it will not change”. You can also train yourself to make sure the child fully understands your response, with “I just told you my answer. Do you have a question about it?” This allows the child to present their opinion or get clarification. Either way, the child is allowed to express their thoughts or concerns and feel validated without an argument.

4. Wait until your Dad/Mom/other person finds out about this. This does two things. First, it creates anxiety and fear in the child, especially of the person who you are going to tell about whatever happened. Second, it ignores your responsibility to deal with the issue at hand and passes it to someone else. By the time a child has gotten in trouble for something, they already feel guilty and embarrassed about it. Threatening to tell someone else won’t work. Choose whether the other person really needs to know about the issue, and if yes, let the child decide who will tell them. “Do you choose to tell (Mom) what happened, or choose for me to tell her with you there to make sure that I explain it correctly?” This gives the child respect and responsibility for their actions.

5. If you do that one more time… This is a common phrase but it’s not very effective. First, you are threatening a child, which makes them fearful of you. Second, the threat is usually not something that is feasible to do (we are going home, you are going straight to bed, you don’t get dinner, you are grounded for a week, etc.) What we say in frustration is not only impractical but easily forgettable. Then we contradict our credibility. You can train yourself to be clear and concise, using choices. “If you choose to (continue that behavior), you choose to (receive whatever consequence has already been established as a punishment)”. You might say, “Melissa, if you choose to poke your sister again, you choose to not watch TV for the rest of the day”. This clearly communicates the expectation and the consequence, without a threat.

6. You are doing that the wrong way. Parents tend to want control all of the time, and it takes work to allow kids to have freedom to do what they choose. Of course, there will be times when a task must be completed in a certain way (homework, etc.). However, many times we force kids to do something the “right way”, when it could have been done in several ways. If a child is coloring the grass purple, it is easy to tell them it must be green. A kid can sit down on a chair facing the back, and we make them turn around. Train yourself to acknowledge their behavior without a judgment, such as “You chose to sit the other way on the chair” or “You colored the grass purple instead”. This gives them the freedom to be creative and discover things without expectations.

7. That is what happens when you… We often try to teach lesson to kids about life at the most inappropriate times. If a child gets hurt because they were doing something dangerous or inappropriate, they already learned their lesson. It is wasted words to try to express a rule when a child is upset, as they focus on one thing at a time. Instead, train yourself to say, “You realized that you jumped off the chair and got hurt when you landed on the ground”, rather than, “See, that is what happens when you jump off the chair”. The former acknowledges that the child already figured out the problem, but is still comforting.

8. You can’t/Don’t do that. When redirecting behavior, it is difficult to know how to phrase things in the best way. Telling a child that they can’t do something makes them prove that they can, by telling you or showing you that it is in fact possible. Telling a kid to not do something makes them want to argue or rebel. Train yourself to explain the reason behind your statement. “That is not safe” or “Your skin is not for coloring on” is specific and helps them learn why things are off limits, rather than just that they are.

9. We are (whatever the child doesn’t want to do at that moment), OKAY? In an attempt to be kind and loving to children, parents tend to ask kids for their approval. I understand the rationale behind it, but I believe it becomes a habit when trying to convince a child to comply. Parents will often say, “We are leaving the playground now and we’ll come back again, okay?” The reality is that asking your child if it is okay sets you up for an argument when the child says no. You already know that he doesn’t want to leave, or you wouldn’t be negotiating with him. Train yourself to state things in sentence form, while acknowledging the child’s feelings. “Michael, I know you want to stay and play, but it is time to go. We can come back another day”. This helps the child feel understood, but still communicates that leaving is non-negotiable.

10. You are making me really mad right now. Parents tend to let their children control their emotions, when it is the parent who is ultimately responsible for how they feel. It is also important for kids to understand that they choose what they feel, and they are not creating emotions in you. Train yourself to say, “I need a break right now because I am getting upset” or “I am angry right now”. You can communicate your feelings to your children without placing the burden of cause on them.

Retraining your way of speaking will take time but can be done. I would encourage you to do it one step at a time, and feel proud when you hear yourself respond differently. It will not happen overnight but it can happen with practice.

Racquel P. Jones, LCSW

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Helpful Tips for Improving Your Child’s Behavior

All children have episodes of unacceptable behavior, some more frequently and severely and others less. Using these three steps will help to improve your child’s behavior and reduce the frequency and severity of your child’s behavior problem.

1) Relationship

A loving, stable relationship between parents and children is the basis for the child’s healthy social development. Remember to tell your child you love him and show your love by taking time to listen, to play, and to teach. The parent-child relationship is built on the words you say and the tone of your voice. It is strengthened by the laughter you share and the things you do together. It is bonded by the values and skills you pass on to your child on a daily basis.

2) Planning

Planning is a secret of good parenting. Watch your expectations so that you plan for good behavior rather than dread the bad. Many children’s behavior problems occur during times of transition and adjustment. Childhood is a continual process of transition, and adjustment to rapid development, therefore bad behavior is a natural reaction to challenges that the the child doesn’t yet have the skills to accomplish.
Planning involves knowing your child, her temperament and skills, and knowing the challenges of her environment. Use direct instruction, guidance, and practice opportunities to teach the skills she will need to cope with new challenges during her childhood.

3) Response

Attentiveness and response are the important tools for improving your child’s behavior. An understanding of behavior modification principles will help you plan your responses to improve behavior. This comes down to actions and consequences. When a child’s action elicits positive reinforcement, it will be repeated over time. When an action elicits punishment, it will eventually stop.

Children learn to make the connection between an action and its consequence when the reinforcement or punishment is immediate and logically related to the action. Parents can make the connection by talking to the child about what they did and why it lead to a certain consequence. As parents, your responses to your child’s actions are powerful consequences, either rewarding or punishing and therefore, shape his behavior. In the context of a positive parent-child relationship, your approval or disapproval is usually enough of a response to reinforce or punish a behavior. When more intensive rewards or punishments are needed, parents should choose those that work for their family.

It is very important to pay attention to your child’s attitude, moods, and behavior; and then, respond to both good and bad behavior quickly. Learn to recognize when bad behavior is being reinforced or good behavior is being extinguished, and adjust the consequences to turn it around. Parenting is both challenging and rewarding, remember you shape your child into who he will become in the future.

http://healingheart-counseling.org/home.html

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A great book about Positive Discipline

Positive Discipline

I highly recommend this book.

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Positive Discipline

Most of us grew up at a time when discipline meant spanking. Many studies have shown that spanking is not the most effective form of disciplining children. There are positive discipline techniques that work successfully in disciplining kids without punishing or spanking them. These techniques will help kids to learn self-control and to be respectful of others.
Example:
Your child is throwing a tantrum in the supermarket in order to get his favorite toy. You feel like killing your child but you don’t want to get arrested, and you would miss him any way. There are much better ways to deal with this, rather than killing your child.

First, you are being watched by many eyes. Second, you want your kid to know it’s not right to cry his way out to get things. Third, you really don’t want to get the toy. The most effective way to handle this situation is to remove your child from the store and explain to them on their level that until they stop you will not return. Do not give into your child because he will think that by throwing a tantrum he can always get his way.

These are some useful discipline techniques:

1. Offer Choices or Redirection

Instead of yelling at the kids to stop doing what they are doing, offer an alternative way to do what they want to do. By distracting the kids and redirecting them from a difficult situation to a proper one, we allow the kids some free space to be themselves.

When the kid is playing with dangerous household items or with something he should not be playing, instead of yelling at him to stop, what we can do is to take him away and offer him more appropriate items or toys.

When 2 children are fighting over toys, take the more aggressive child away and offer him another toy. Spend some time with him until he’s calm. He may scream his lungs out initially but as you play with him, he may find the toy you offered is much more interesting. Go back to the less aggressive kid and also play with him a little while. Let the 2 play together again when both are in good moods later.

By redirecting, your child will not feel that he’s being rejected as he’s offered something else. He will begin to understand that there are certain things which are off limits.

This technique is works best with 2 to 3-year-olds. By the time the children are 3 or 4, they can often come up with alternatives of their own. I then suggest the alternatives instead of redirecting them.

2. Introduce Time-Out

Time-out is the form of discipline where a misbehaving kid is sent at a corner or in a room by himself, to reflect on his behavior and to learn that his behavior is not acceptable. When a child seems a little beyond control, giving him time-out will allow him to cool off and think over his bad behavior.

As for parents, positive time-out allows them to get out of the angry and frustration situation, to calm down and to act more rationally.

Are time-outs effective? Time-outs are more effective for young kids between 3-7. A younger child will not understand why he’s being make to sit still in a chair, and an older child will know that time-out is not for long and they can spend the time in the room doing something else.

3. Turn A ‘No’ Into A ‘Yes’

Try to be positive in disciplining your children, this is what positive discipline means. Children want positive comments rather than negative ones. Instead of shouting a big and loud ‘NO’ to everything not right, try saying “Yes, you can after…”?

4. Encourage Little Helpers

If you are annoyed because your kids jump around while you are vacuuming the carpet, chase and run on the wet floor while you are mopping, or throw the toys all over while you are about to setup the dining table, get them busy by helping you out. Telling them to stop often ends up in war. In my experience, little kids like to help around the house.

I suggest giving them some tools, such as a small bucket filled with a little of water, a piece of cloth, and instruct them to wipe the surface of the cabinet, or a small corner of the house. Apart from having fun, they also get a sense of achievement and involvement in helping with the house chores. This will allow you to finish your work faster and allow you to have more time to spend with your children.

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